Two weeks ago, I was writing this blog fairly anonymously... churning out maybe two posts a month and sharing them only with my 25 twitter followers and a couple of family members. I don't make much of an effort to share this blog with people. Here's why--
It's a hell of a lot easier to write when you think nobody's paying attention. I like the invisibility. In fact, it's become a very close friend.
Last week, after I posted a blurb written by my friend Marcie, something different happened. Marcie has more confidence than I do. When she does something, she rarely has reservations about sharing it with other folks. Naturally, after I posted her "Ugly Betty" article, she told people about it on facebook.
To my great surprise, after Marcie's advertising, a few friends of mine wrote on my wall to tell me that they related to a few of my previous entries. Someone even texted me, asking if he might contribute an article. This made me happy because I didn't think anybody really noticed.
But now I'm in a predicament.
I used to consider implementing facebook to let my friends know about this blog, but something always held me back -- my insecurities. Sharing my thoughts on facebook is more daunting to me than sharing them on twitter just because more people see my facebook. I have a little less than 300 "friends" (modest by a lot of peoples' standards) -- it's a nice handful of potential eyes.
And even though 90% of them would never click on a link I post, I still get very bashful. Why is this? Am I really worried that people are going to laugh at me? Or call me stupid? Or talk about me behind my back, saying "wow, what a nerd-- the audacity she must have to think we care about 10 reasons she likes The Sopranos"?
You BET I worry about that kind of stuff... because I know I'd talk smack about you if you started a blog. I'd think you were a loser with no social life to speak of, so you had to start using the internet to let out your many feelings. You know I'd make fun of you for thinking you had something meaningful to preach about movies or politics or pop culture or life...
I'd criticize and laugh at you to make myself feel better. I'm insecure. The way I build myself up is to tear other people down. It's always been my way of life, BUT I bet it's always been your way of life too. We're human. It's what we do. In some form or fashion, we're always trying to dominate over each other.
And don't get me started about how the internet just helps to perpetuate our social shortcomings. It's so easy to hide behind screens and not have to own up to our thoughts, or even our physical appearances.
It's easy to have fake confidence. We talk up a storm over the internet, even approach people we admire or have crushes on, but when we try talking to those people in person, it's unbearably nerve-wrecking and sweaty.
All this to make the statement - I think I really need to own up to myself and take credit for what I have to say.
Let this be a proclamation. From here on out, you're going to get a story every so often on your facebook newsfeed that says I've written a new blog entry. Odds are you'll probably keep scrolling on down and not give it a second thought... but maybe you'll take a look at it. Maybe it will give you something to chuckle about for a minute or two, even if that something is me and what a foolish dork I am for taking my imaginary audience to seriously.
I don't care. I am who I am. I enjoy writing. I enjoy blogging. I like to share my silly little thoughts on the internet. And I like to make fun of you, just as much as you like to make fun of me.
So, let's all start blogs and say hi to each other when we pass in the street. Okay -- the latter might take a little more time and effort... but that's neither here, nor there.
At the risk of having made myself sound a little too self-deprecating and cynical...
Ciao for now.
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